Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Clueless..

Yanastarted this journey at5:26 PM

Friday, May 11, 2007

There is always lights at the ends of tunnels.

Teman temanku sering mengatakan hidupnya ga adil, ini itu..pokoknya pasti ada aja yg pengen dikatakan.
Aku berpikir..sesusah apa sih emanknya masalah lu? bisa sampe musink mikirin gitu.
Yah mungkin mereka benar benar punya masalah yang segde apa aku ga tau..tp aku cuman pengen share ke mereka kalo bukan cmn mrk doank yg punya masalah.
masalahku sejibun tapi satu yang paling kuingat untuk seumur hidup adalah pas aku bebas sembuh dari penyakitku, aku balik ke kampungku, kemudian aku didaftar oleh papaku di sekolah. Yang benar2 paling kuingat pas itu aku ke sekolah sama mami. Orang orang ngeliatin aku bingung sambil ketawa istilahnya kayak aku tuh monyet yg salah masuk kandang.
hari pertama aku sekolah, aku berharap setelah tahunan aku ga sekolah,dan skrg akhirnya bisa ke skolah lg, aku berharap org2 di sekolah bisa welcome aku dgn tgn terbuka..tp ternyata yg kudapatkan cuman penghinaan.
"Eh ada bencong.Itu cewe apa cowo sih? kok pake rok tapi kepalanya botak. pake topi lg."
walaupun jauh, tp ke mana pun aku pergi, pasti ada aja org bisik bisik nunjuk nunjuk aku sambil ketawa. Terus terang aja, aku pengen lari ga mau sekolah lg. Tp mamiku selalu menyuruhku utk cuek jgn pantang mundur. kemudian, aku pun dibawa ke satu kelas di mana aku bakal diperkenalkan di dpn murid murid sebagai murid baru. Satu yang paling kuingat, baru aja aku injak itu kelas, murid murid udah seperti biasa bisik bisik sambil tertawa hina. Aku bener bener pengen nangis apalagi skrg mamiku udah ga di sampingku krn dia tidak diperbolehkan masuk. Setelah mendapat teguran dr pak guru, mrk diam. tiga hari aku di kelas, ga ada satu pun murid yg berani dekatin aku. Mereka menganggap aku aneh.
pas aku pulang, aku nangis dan aku blnk ke papa kalo aku udah ga mau sekolah lagi. Tp papa selalu menyuruhku jgn pernah mundur krn itulah tantangan hidup. Aku bener bener berterima kasih bgt ke nanny ku "mbak tini" buat segala nasehat nasehat nya yg membuat aku sadar dgn satu hal.akhirnya aku balik lagi ke skolah. Aku mulai cuek dgn org org di sekitarku dan murid murid di kelas yang ga mau berteman dgnku. Sampe ketika satu hari, papaku datang mengintipku dr jendela.
Kemudian pas aku pulang papa datangin aku. Aku ga tau kenapa tapi papa melihatku dgn penuh muka kasian. Trus dia bilank kalo dia udah ngomonk sama kepala sekolah ttg masalahku. Akhirnya aku dipisahkan dr murid2 di kelas. Aku masih tetap ke sekolah, cmn aku ga masuk ke kelas. Aku diperbolehkan duduk di ruang guru,punya guru pribadi sendiri, seterusnya bakal begitu. Bahkan ulangan sampe ujian final juga aku duduk di ruang guru. Bayangin aja, tiap hari ke sekolah, aku cmn bisa masuk ke ruang guru, istirahat aku cmn punya mami dan ddku yg temanin aku sampe aku masuk ke ruang guru lagi. Kadang kalo kulihat dr jendela. ddku yg cowo lg pelajaran olahraga kayaknya enakk bgtt.Punya byk teman.Aku juga mau.Aku bener bener merasa grateful ke Ddku krn sering kunjungin aku ke ruang guru kalo dia punya jam luang. Kdg dia rela ngisiin waktu istirahatnya cmn utk temanin aku dibandingin maen dgn teman2nya.
setelah setahun, akhirnya ddku kasi usul ke papaku. Knp aku ga dimasukin ke kelas dia aja. papaku pikir itu ide yg bgs bgt. Setelah ngomong ke kepala sekolah, akhirnya aku diperbolehkan masuk ke kelas yg sama dgn ddku. Ddku selalu membelain aku kalo aku dihina ato diapain org. Aku ga nyangka dia bisa bertingkah dewasa padahal dia lebih kecil dr aku. Ketika org org tanya..
"knp kalian bs sekelas padahal kan yg satunya lebih gede?ketinggalan pelajaran krn malas yah?"
Dd ku pasti selalu membelaku dgn segala cara. Krn ddkulah aku mulai sedikit demi sedikit mempunyai teman. org2 mulai mengajak aku ngomong. Ketimbang ddku orgnya suka juara kelas, terkenal di antara cw2, aku sering didatangin oleh cewe cewe.Lama kelamaan tanpa kusadari, aku mulai punya byk tmn, dan rambutku sedikit mulai sedikit numbuh. Aku senang sekalii.
Akhirnya papaku mengirim kami utk sekolah di singapur. Boleh dibilank dr sana aku memulai hidup baruku. Aku ga pernah merasa sesenang itu. Org org ga pernah melihatku dgn tatapan heran.Mgkn pas itu krn rambutku udah numbuh apa gmnkali yah. Ddku selalu blnk ke aku
"Jgn pernah takut menghadapi masalah."
papa pernah kasi tau jg ke aku
"anggap aja ini suatu tantangan hidup.Kita ga boleh menyerah kalo masi ada harapan.buktinya kamu bs smbuh kembali."
Dokterku pernah kasi tau aku
"im proud of you. I have been watching you since the day you were admitted into this hospital and you went through more and feel alot more than me. see..I told you there will always be lights at the end of tunnels"
Yanastarted this journey at5:10 AM

Tolong dipikir dulu sebelum bilank kata maaf

reseh.
Cuman ngomongin maaf ga cukup tau! NYESAL bgtttttttt aku percaya sama dia.
Sebelumnya dia bilang dia ga bakal kasi tau ke siapa siapa dan ga bakal ngomong ke siapa siapa..
Tp skrg....!
udah tau salah gitu, masih ga mau ngaku kalo dia yang bongkar rahasiaku pertama tama. Pas udah ketahuan belangnya, nangis nangis minta maaf. Dari kecil sampe skrg aku paling benci kalo dikhianatin sama orang. Ga nyangka tmnku sndiri bisa begitu.
Ini bukan masalah petty apa ngga yah..nagatain kalo aku orgnya ga pemaaf, pemarah..to hell with that.
Tolong dipikir2 dulu sebelum ngomongin maaf..gampangg bgttt kayaknya udah buat kesalahan tinggal bilang dgn sepatah kata maaf. Segampang itukah??? Coba aja dia yg alami..emanknya enak apa dikhinatin sama tmn sndiri?
"Yana anaknya mana bisa marah sih? yana anaknya gampang bgtt dibohongin."
yeah right..aku baik kalo cmn sama org yg baik sama aku.Belum tau aja! Tp aklo sekali udah dibohongin JGN PERNAH HARAP aku bisa percaya lagi sama tuh orang..walaupun cuman sekali dibohongin...SEKALI tuh CUKUP utk tdk percaya sama org lg!
To hell juga buat tangisan buaya-nya...iya walaupun aku bilank...aku udah ga marah. Cuman kecewa aja, itu artinya aku udah ga marah. Aku maafin bukan berarti aku masih percaya sama dia..iya emank aku masih bercanda, ketawa ria, tp sebenarnya deep down aku bener bener merasa di betrayed. Kalo aku bilank aku udah ga marah, tp aku blng ke dia mulai dr hr itu jg aku ga bakal berbagi rahasiaku ke dia lg..itu artinya aku serius. Dia ga punya hak buat upset or whatever..I dont buy that anymore...
yg lainnya bilank : "kan baru sekali ini doank dia salahnya..yah dimaafin aja.masa udah ga mau berbagi rahasia lg sih?"
Iya..ngomongin aja aku keras kepala ato apa kek, aku ga peduli. Aku punya prinsip sendiri dan aku ga mau diinjak injak gitu. Aku punya limit sndiri ok. Kalo sekali dimaafin trus percaya lg..kpn dia bisa brubahnya? ada sekali pasti ada kedua kalinya. never ends..malahan aku merasa aku udah trlalu sungkan sama dia dgn mengatakan kata kata kalo aku udah ga marah sama dia tp satu yang pasti aku udah ga bakal percaya lagi sama dia. Dia yg buat salah..hrsnya dia ngerti donk.
Jangan pernah menganggap "Ah yana sikapnya kayak anak kecil. kalo kita begini begitu dia pasti ga bakal marah lah."
Asal tau aja yah, aku bener bener bite sama org yg munafik.
Jgn percaya sama teman baik,teman sehidup semati, sahabat setia or whatever you call that..semuanya bullshits. Di dunia ini ga ada yg namanya sahabat2an. Tmn baik cuman dirimu sndiri.
Tp di balik semua itu..tengkiu bgt aku mendapat satu pelajaran hidup. Jgn pernah percaya lagi sama orang kecuali kamu dan kluarga kamu sendiri.
Kalo blog ini menyinggung seseorg, PEDULi... kalo memang merasa bersalah..jgn pernah takut utk menghadapi masalah. Tp kalo org yg ga merasa bersalah..pasti nantinya...yana ini yana itu...
mau yana ini kek itu kek..aku masuk telinga kiri kluar telinga kanan.
Yanastarted this journey at5:08 AM

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

missing stephanie

Missing Stephanie

Missing Stephanie
Im really scared because nowadays I kept fainting myself..and I even feel exremely tired too even after I sleep for long hours already.
Im really worried because I scared i might get my leukemia back again. because from what i know, in December 2006 when i last checked up with my doctor in Singapore during my holidays, he told me my white blood is really high around 13.9 something which is not suppose to..thats why he was asking me what did i do and how i took care of myself in here. I was then encourage to eat more vegetables and fresh meats and have him as my online doctor.
I used to not really care what leukemia is..probably because I got it when I was small[ well not really small], and you know when you are small, you tend not to know about anything..i thought it was just a minor thingy not until I remember the most when I was admitted to an emergency room where my Dad kept shouting my name so that i stay awake.
Earlier, when I fainted, they were talking about bringing me to a hospital, I said NO..I have been living in hospital for 4 years..had enough of it and the needles already. I need to stay away from all those things.
now as i grow older, I felt really worried especially nowadays..cos I can feel myself lacking out..like somehow i feel all the symptoms i got back then is coming back...
fainting, my backbone is hurting, and no energy to do simple stuffs like oepning doorknobs..Im really worried...But i dont feel like saying it to my dad...simply because I dont want him to worry..cos he has been through a lot because of me..like he took care of me for 4 years and left his job to come over in singapore to stay in hospital for 4 years..I cant imagine if it has been me...staring at the hospital wall everyday...Its like when i recovered, part of him is making it too..its a miracle I can survive..
talking about survive...I used to have a really close friend in my ward..her name was stephanie..i still remember..it was in the afternoon, when i first admitted into a ward for the first day..I saw her beside my bed..and she said Hi to me..and as days went by we became best friends...watching cartoons, reading story book, all the simple stuffs we did in hospital...and one day she was asking me..
"hey..let us swop letters...we write about our feelings each day into it and say stuff we wanna say in it."
and then I was like.."okay!"
6 months passed by, I became balder and balder..she encouraged me it was not a bad thing..then i looked at hers too..hers is even balder...I knew she looked sad but still she tried ways to make me happy..I used to get really really sad when I looked myself at mirror, I have this hair whenever i touch it, it will fall down..and then i will started shouting and crying..and my dad and stephanie will be the ones who gave me hugs encouraging me saying it is fine to be bald.1 yr passed, i saw her body is swelling..and when i saw her..i was thinking to myself :"Will i be like her one day?" because we have the same illness..soon I started worrying and crying each night..thinking of cant go to school is bad enough and yet together with all the stupid illness..a lot of times i felt like giving up..but seeing my dad encouraged me a lot..just seeing him by my sides..i kept telling myself i have to recover and i cant give up..seeing him parted with mom and his other children just to stay with me in singapore hurt me a lot. There were always times when I get injected to have my bonemarrow transfered, he was suppose to stay outside of room and not beside me, i saw him crying from outside looking worried..all those memories..one thing i remembered the most, one afternoon, i got back from operation room, and headed to my ward, i saw stephanie's bed was empty..i thought she probably went for her treatment in another room because thats what she usually did if i didnt see her around in the ward..I was waiting waiting and waiting for her..and when it get into evening, i started worrying..my dad told me she is going to be fine..but somehow my heart say she is Not!
true enough...i got a message from my regular nurse in the evening...
"stephanie passed away this afternoon when you were receiving your treatment"
and then..she handed me stephanie's letters giving it to me...I didnt know what to react at that time..All i could do is crying and i went crawling on top of her bed crying telling her to come back..I got really really sad...there i s going to be no more stephanie when i wake up tomorrow in the morning, there is no more her encouraging me. there is no more her treating me like a smaller sister. there is no more her this and that...she is part of me ever since i went into that ward..many of nights i woke up crying because i missed her..and i didnt feel like reading her letters at that time because I might just get sadder again...
My dad told me..I should read it...and i found out in one of her letters she wrote
"Live for everyone! i know you can make it through.Promise!"
then in another one of her letters, she wrote about her parents not having money to treat her,and nobody donated bone marrow and blood since she has been waiting for more than 1 yr ..that was why she knew she is not going to make it..and she wrote " If i die one day, please do not cry over me."
So she knew she is going to be dying..but she didnt tell me..how I wish I knew it earlier..i really hate her at that time..
2 yrs passed..after all the swollen body and bald head..I was able to make it..I considered lucky because there are people who are willing to donate their blood and bone marrow too after all the waiting and dad's beggings frm people ...and without knowing it..4 yrs passed..my doctor told me I passed through my dangerous stage..I can leave that country and fly back to my hometown..but i still have to take care of myself and have a check up every one year.
I really miss her. and how i wish i can tell her..im still here and i can go to school already..she said she likes going to school to have friends..all the lies she made..about going to the same school after we recovered, and all the lies about going shopping after we manage to get out from the hospital...sometimes thinking of this makes me hate her even more..why CANT she Survive...
She told me not to cry..and I know i promised her two things..to get myself recover which i already did...and the other thing is not to cry for her which I cant do it even till now. I promised writing this in her remembrance will be the last cry I made..I will still miss her, though. Sometimes if i miss her, I will just read all the letters she wrote for me where no one knows where i keep them. I regret not staying beside her during her last breath of life..
Thank's for everything...Stephanie.
Thank's for teaching me what the value of life is..
Thank's for all the 1 and a half years friendships in hospital doing simple boring stuffs yet unforgettable
Thank's for making me go back to my parents sides letting me gather with my family again
Thank's for making me have my wonderful two sisters again to talk and laugh
Thank's for letting me have my brothers too..
Thank's for watching over me..and lastly..
Thank's for being my angel..
You will be my best friend no one could ever replace.
I will see you someday,i really want to.
Yanastarted this journey at9:24 PM

Thursday, May 03, 2007

I got the danish station!

First day of Danish station...huhuhuhu!!!
everybody is asking us if we had fun doin the danish..hahaha...
I had a hard time rolling it to 12 by 36..DANg...the dough shld be long and wide..but I had a hard time doing it...Luckily indra helped me rolled it earlier and Alberto k ept making jokes too..thats why i cant concentrate..Btw..We had Alberto and karen for our grpmate in danish..
But karen was not in today..so left with the three of us..So funny..hahHAha..

Damn alberto he called me a shortie..cos I need a platform to stand on it..so that I can roll out my danish..he is crazy...kept singing smelly cat.Im going to smack him tomorrow if he still bullies me..HAHAHAHA..but we really laughed hard in our station...and our laughter was really loud...Its like...WOWWWW!! Chef kept coming to our station..and earlier she came and asked me..:have you eat sweetie??..cos your face is so pale again.."
damn alberto again..he said...I really need something to eat..I told chef alberto is like my big daddy..HAHAHA..
Earlier was funny too...cos he rolled out the dough to 12 by 36 already but actually it has to be 16 by 24..he was like..
"im not going to trust u anymore yana!" HAHAHA. he asked me.."What doo we do to make it 16 by 24 now?"
I told him to shrink it...he was like..."Shrink IT???"
HAHAHAA...I said SORRY HE SAID "ITS OKAY I STILL LOVE YOU"
BLOODYHELL..it was really crazy.

Im happy with this school..at least I know what i wanted..hahaha..much more FUn! even though its tiring...
Yanastarted this journey at8:34 PM

Saturday, April 28, 2007

worst field trip ever

I regret going to the napa file trip...the back people really spoiled everyone's mood..
So noisy and irritating! everybody were so pissed off with them..and to make it worse..i got the sit in front of them..wth.
and the trip wasnt that much fun either..I got a lil bit tipsy during my first tasting wine already..and all my friends were like taking the drinks away from me..And the lunch I have to admit...Sucks! just a burger! im not FULL!

and I reached home like around 8! It was so late already and I felt like not going to the restaurant to eat anymore because it takes up energy to walk again...Luckily when i got home..my sis willing to cook for me..
haiya..

I promise this will be the l ast field trip ever in this school. Bloodyhell
Yanastarted this journey at8:43 PM

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Seeded twist and Pane Sicialiano [Semolina bread]

YO

Today was crazy for everyone. They were making me do the danish dance in kitchen..
because yesterday I told people [ Erika, Indra,Den,Ignacia,Jenine] about if I get Amy for my next rotation group in DANISH then..I will be dead..and they i told them: " Because danish need a lot of movement right.you have to roll it really hard and then a lot of energy needed. So her odors will be like everywhere." Then, they were all started laughing.. and then I came up with the danish dance for her and it was funny and lame..and then they were laughing really2 hard..and yesterday chef was like
"what's happening here? whay are you all giggling and laughing?" and Ignacia was telling her
"probably because of the bread..happy bread." and then Chef holy was laughing..HAHAHA.
then she said : "No more yeast for you sutris and Den."
HAHAHA..because yeast contains alcohol and we need that for making bread..and we ate like a lot of bread in class that why she was thinking like that..but i know she was palying around with us too..she kept on laughing with us too..funny and cool chef.

and then today was even crazy. When i was doing something in the middle, Alberto, Erika, Indra and others were gathering around at the back talking about smtgh..I didnt know they were talking about the danish dance..and Alberto was like
"Hey Yana! where is yana! come here!" Then I came to them..wondering why.."Show me the danish dance"
I was hestitating at first but since he insisted, I did my funny actions..and they were laughing really hard...crazy bunch of people..I was like the clown who make them laugh...and then Chef was laughing too..but she didnt know what we were laughing about...Then..karen came to us..just when I was about to open the walk-in cooler, karen told me to do the action again...then i was like OKAy! Chef saw me this time and she saw me..she was laughing really really hard..she said Im hyper active. Then she said " Sutris is very cute"..Everyone heard it then they said cute crazy girl. I was really embarassed..
Then..Christie was like shouting at far back...YANA show me the dance...then I was like NO MOREEEE! HAHAHAHAHA

earlier I got cut in my thumb and chef was like "what did you do sweetie?" Then I told her I accidentally got into the mixing gear...and she was slowly putting the ointment on my thumb, rub alcohol on it and putting the band aid around my thumb..I was really shocked though..cos she is just so motherly and kind..But she didnt do it on other students..It is really strange.
Then I told her..my bread is ugly and she said its not..its just too wet. I was relieved! I got A for the ballons productions..YUhu!!! Then When Hanny came to her " Chef...look I made a shopping bag!"
she was like "OH how nice! who teach you?" and then hanny told her "Yana"...and she said.."Sutris is beautiful"
and then she came to me..."do you want me to call you sutris or yana? because I know there has been Yana here and there in this class." and then I told her "you can call me sutris. special" and then everyone laughed.

Oh yeah..I think it is the curse..because of me doing the danish dance...I got Amy and Brittany tomorrow for the foccacia productions..when chef turned the whitebpard around, everyone started giggling and making evil smile at me..I know they smiled because I get to work with Amy..they were like Good LUCk with her odor..HAHHA..MANn....she really smells..I think I will stuck my nose with the flu stick tomorrow...haiya...and when chef finished talking about the group already, everyone was like..."Good LUCk tomorrow okay! HAHAHa.." [what an evil laugh]
I know im suppose to have Erika and Indra for the Focaccia..because yesterday when I went to chef's table, i saw my name den and Erika Indra with a letter F surrounded with a square meaning Focaccia..I guess chef shuffle our names again.
Tomorrow going to be a lecture about baking pencentage..chef told us to bring in caffeine and a lot of sugar to make us stay awake..haizzz.......i hate lecture..so sleepy. But thinking of working with Amy is even hell..i think everyone will start giggling at me when I start my foccacia with her..wth
Yanastarted this journey at5:57 PM

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

wednesday

Its been two days I didnt go down to the school cafetaria cos of the busy things i have to do in kitchen today..
Everybody was leaving for the cafetaria except for me patricia and christian..and when they go up..they were telling me the food wasnt good..HAHAHA..told Ya! I would better eat my own hot fresh baked bread in kitchen...And i got a lot to choose from too..
focaccia, danish, ballons and levains..well..I like focaccia the most..especially christie's one..Its garlic..
Hahaha..I cant wait for my focaccia group turn now..I get to top it with anything..maybe garlic and cheese would be nice...
And students and chefs from other class kept coming to pur class to to steal some of our finished baked breads..so annoying..

Katie told denieza we made a good toppings for the ballons today..well I did garlic anc cheese for the topping today..no wonder it is good...hahaha..I luv breads more than cakes now..it is jut more fun compared with the cakes class..I guess because in cakes class..we made everything the same...like for example...tiramisu for all today and then tomorrow blackforest cake...
Unlike in breads, we get different groups making different doughs..and i feel we are more like a family now in breads class...because of people keep asking people..like the danish group today they kept asking what do you want for the danish filling...and i said rasberry jam..yah..the fun thing is we can request what we want and make them bake for us...
and in return..I ask them what do they want for my ballons toppings...Rachelle requested just sesame seeds on top and christie requested honey with brown sugar..and everyone loves it even amy..

for check offs, Chef kept praising our doughs today..she said they have a beautiful texture and shapes. even the project breads too...I cant believe the jalapeno cheddar rolls are good..I finished a lot of them in class today..

So today's menu is Jalapeno cheddar cheese and Whole oat roll with my everyday different toppings ballons..huhuhuhu
kind of sad tomorrow is my last day making the ballons..and after that I dont get to do them anymore...Cherish my last moments with my own ballons tomorrow! hehehe
Yanastarted this journey at8:03 PM